oh, her? she's nobody's hero. she's just a teacher. she couldn't do. isn't that how the saying goes? to be honest, i don't like her. she's got too many opinions. and is indoctrinating our children. she forces kids to read banned books. and even asks them to read on their own. did you hear she has a pride flag up on her wall? her political views have no god-damned business being in the classroom. she had the audacity to give my girl an F on an essay that she worked really hard on. she wrote my kid up, because according to her, he said something racist. my kid would never do anything like that. he doesn't have a racist bone in his body. so instead of talking to her about it, i went straight to the school board to get her fired. she no longer works for the school district, thanks to me. she told her students that she won't answer emails before or after school. she complains too much on social media about how hard her job is. she's the prime example of why teacher ends with a her instead of a him. Oh, but her? She's a hero. Because she has the guts to bring a gun into her classroom. Oh, but her? She's a hero. I couldn't stop crying when I heard she sacrificed herself to save those kids from that school shooter. What a tragedy. I can't believe this keeps happening. Oh, her or hero? A teacher can't be both. She's always the villain unless she has a gun or gets shot by one.
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A Teacher Poem: Oh, Her
Posted at 4:23 pm , on June 12, 2022
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Mini Book Reviews February 2022
Posted at 9:12 am , on March 6, 2022
After evading COVID for the pandemic’s entirety, I ended up catching it towards the beginning of February. And it kicked my ass for six solid days, so even though I had high hopes about posting more regularly again, the universe once again foiled my plans. I don’t think I actually read a book while I had a fever, let alone wrote any book reviews while sick or even wrote anything for a couple of weeks after because I could barely think. So here’s some barely coherent book reviews. =)
The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl by Issa Rae–published 2015–memoir–224 pages–audiobook–three stars: A decent audiobook and decent essays. Nothing particularly wow-worthy. I found myself zoning out in places.
The Siren of Sussex (Belles of London #1) by Mimi Matthews–published 2022–historical romance–400 pages–ebook–two stars: Wannabe Bridgerton but chaste and full of horses and sartorial argot. Without giving any spoilers, all I can say is I am disappointed in the overplaying of the Old Maid card. And unless I was a terrible reader, the whole titular “siren” part didn’t even get mentioned until the book’s end and shouted Mimi-Matthews-likes-alliteration-so-lets-make-siren-happen. Speaking of Bridgerton, doesn’t season two come out soon? Thank whatever Regency god I need to pray to because these historical romances aren’t doing it for me like Daphne and Simon do (hears classical arrangement of “Wildest Dreams”–Ah-ah-ahhhhhhhh.)
Other People’s Clothes by Calla Henkel–published 2022–thriller–320 pages–ebook–four stars: Have you ever had several library e-books that you’ve had on hold for weeks come in at the same time and thought you clicked on a YA fantasy novel but you actually clicked on a thriller instead, and you were 20 percent deep into what you that was the YA fantasy novel and you were like—-uhhhhh, when is this fantasy part going to kick in? And then you’d forgotten the name of the alleged YA fantasy book that you were reading so you clicked back into your Kindle library and realized that you’re actually reading a mystery instead? Yeah. So that’s what happened here. I digress. Scene: Berlin around the time of the Amanda Knox trial. Plot: Zoe and Hailey, study abroad roommates who develop an unhealthy friendship, discover that their landlady, an author, has been spying on them for her next novel’s storyline. The girls decide to up the ante by throwing elaborate house parties, gaining the notice of the papers in the process. If you’re looking for gorgeous sentences, this thriller, a thriller I tell you!!!!, has them. I found myself stopping frequently to highlight, in particular, character-descriptor gems like: No, she inhabited a stranger space–she had the smile of the debutante in dirty pictures, a Midwestern mall model, an actress whose lines were written on her hands and He was one year older than me, a cynical computer dork with an intense MacBook stare–whenever he’d launch into talking, his turtle-green eyes would get a dark zoom while he rummaged for words, like a hand silently dipping into a Scrabble bag, feeling for the next word. There were other sentences I highlighted too, but aren’t necessarily Mrs. Ram’s Jams blog-appropriate. I loved how the symbolism of the title was nuanced and layered throughout the narrative too. And the book’s last sentence still has me reeling.
Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey–published 2020–memoir–308 pages–audiobook–four stars: Con 1: obvious pontificating that’s softened by his charming southern drawl. Con 2: Was nobody else taken aback by the chapter where he describes his parents’ physically abusive relationship with something along the lines of “that’s just the way they loved each other” (that’s not an exact quote but a gist)? Con 3: The three separate wet dreams. Pro 1: HIS POEMS. Pro 2: HIS POEM ABOUT NEW ORLEANS.
Daughter of the Moon Goddess (The Celestial Kingdom Duology #1) by Sue Lynn Tan–published 2022–YA fantasy–512 pages–ebook–four stars: Hey, remember when I was reading a mystery that I thought was a YA fantasy and then discovered I was actually reading a mystery instead of a YA fantasy? This was the YA fantasy that I thought I was reading then. And it’s equally as good, but in a different way, as that thriller. Did I know a damn thing about the Chinese legend of the moon goddess before going into this novel? Hell no. Doesn’t matter. I’m hooked. THERE BE DRAGONS HERE. And cloud travel. And a love triangle. And a whole bunch of unanswered questions at the end. I also love that this is a duology, so I know I won’t lose interest in a series that’s only being drawn out to sell more books (which seems to be the going trend these days–i.e. I’ve always been sucked into a Sarah J. Maas series-hole like ACOTAR or Throne of Glass, but I’ve managed to escape the Maas-hole without completing the series because I got bored.)
The PIcture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde–published 1890–classics/horror–272 pages–ebook–four stars: I’m cringing at myself for reading a book on my phone that was written over 130 years ago, but I can’t help but ask myself, what would Oscar Wilde think of that? That Lord Henry can deliver a zinger, huh?
Fiona and Jane by Jean Chen Ho–published 2022–LGBTQ+ contemporary fiction–288 pages–ebook–three stars: Maybe closer to three and half stars? But I’m still feeling mostly lukewarm about this novel.
Black Cake by Charmaine Wilkerson–published 2022–contemporary fiction–400 pages–ebook–three stars: Unpopular opinion–A cool concept but it had too many perspectives and tried to be too many genres at once.
This Will Only Hurt a Little by Busy Philipps–published 2018–memoir–321 pages–audiobook–four stars: Loved Philipps on Freaks and Geeks and Cougar Town and loved this memoir.
The School for Good Mothers by Jessamine Chan–published 2022–dystopia/science fiction–ebook–336 pages–two stars: Frida, who has what she calls one very bad day, leaves her toddler home alone while she runs to work to grab a file. Of course, Frida gets caught, and instead of getting a slap on the wrist, she gets sent away for a year long program to be taught how to be a good mom. At the school, which is more like a correctional facility, Frida and bad mothers like her have to mother creepy robot dolls and are monitored over all aspects of parenting. I get the premise behind this book, but it read list-y in places and tried to hit too many social topics. At first I was drawn into Frida’s story but around the thirty percent mark I lost interest. The ending frustrated me.
Pretty Girls Dancing by Kylie Brant–published 2018–thriller–ebook–370 pages–three stars: A missing girl. A potential serial killer. A sleepy community up in arms desperately trying to find the girl before it’s too late. Side plots and the story of another girl who went missing years ago. I normally wouldn’t have even picked up this book, but it’s the March read for a book club that I’m joining. The tropes and the plot line are pedestrian, at least I didn’t quit it or hate it? At least it wasn’t written by Karin Slaughter?
Dawnshard (The Stormlight Archive #3.5) by Brandon Sanderson–published 2020–high fantasy–ebook–171 pages–three stars: This is the weakest book in the series. I know it’s only a novella, but the characterization is lackluster. Lopen wasn’t as funny as he normally is. The book’s focus character is Rysn, and I was disappointed by Sanderson’s flat portrayal of her when he really could have made her shine here. Even Chiri-Chiri couldn’t save this book. I’ve been putting off Rhythm of War because I felt like Oathbringer dragged, and this read is making me consider quitting the series.
Here are the books I DNF’d in February:
As always, any discussion is welcome!
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Mini Book Reviews January 2022
Posted at 11:35 am , on February 6, 2022
In true me fashion, I:
- Forgot that I needed to write book reviews as I finished reading.
- Forgot that I had a blog.
Whoops. Without further ado, here’s what I read in January.
Verity by Colleen Hoover–thriller–published 2018–324 pages–four stars: Lowen (asks herself, what kind of name is Lowen?), an author facing apartment eviction, is shocked when she’s offered half a million dollars to finish writing a book series that the original author, Verity (asks herself, what kind of name is Verity?), cannot complete because a terrible accident has left her incapacitated. Even though she’s reluctant to accept, Lowen caves when Verity’s handsome husband, Jeremy (tells herself, look a common name!), convinces her to take the job. Lowen stays at Jeremy and Verity’s house to go through Verity’s research and notes, stumbling across Verity’s unpublished autobiography in the process. What she discovers within the manuscript leaves Lowen with more questions than answers and a growing suspicion that nobody is safe in the house. I totally understand the hype now. The autobiography snippets included in the book are disturbing and engrossing instead of falling flat like a lot of books within books do. I couldn’t handle the two main characters’ names though. I kept asking myself: Lowen? Lowen? Was Highen considered? And Verity? Obviously, there’s some kind of symbolism or irony there–but the rest of the book wasn’t very nuanced with any obvious major literary devices. I was expecting my mind to be blown at the end because BookTok decreed it, and while it was an unconventional twist, it didn’t leave my head spinning. I also thought the whole it’s-perfectly-normal-for-a-wealthy-person-who-has-a-small-child-to-invite-a-stranger-to-stay-at-his-house-while-his-wife-is-immobile-upstairs plot device was a stretch.
The Simple Wild (Wild #1) by K.A. Tucker–romance–published 2018–390 pages–three stars: A Toronto woman flies to Bangor, Alaska, to reconnect with her estranged father and falls in love with one of her father’s pilots. Another BookTok book? Yep. But one set in Alaska? How could I say no? I have a soft spot for romances set in Alaska. Blame it on The Great Alone and Kristin Hannah. This is a perfectly acceptable romance that’s not overly spicy, featuring an enemy-to-lovers trope, small airplanes, and the standard this-book-is-set-in-Alaska-so-there’s-a-wild-animal-that-is-more-like-a-pet. You know I’ve got to say it–it’s sixty pages too long. While I did enjoy this book, I won’t be continuing the series. Book two clocks in at over 470 pages.
The Holiday Switch by Tif Marcelo–YA romance–published 2021–272 pages–two stars: I might be judging this book a little harshly, but it’s just so snowflake-shaped-marshmallows-floating-in-hot-chocolate fluffy. Picture it: an inn that’s been featured in a popular movie, now a tourist attraction. Lila, a senior on her way to Syracuse with a secret blog who works in the gift shop. Teddy, the innkeeper’s nephew who attends Syracuse with his own secret who shows up to work the holidays. Cute, niche shops in a small town of 14,000. Writing sprinkled with holiday-themed metaphors. If you like Hallmark Channel Christmas movies, you’ll probably like this book. But I thought So, This Is Christmas, another YA holiday romance, was marginally better than this. Both books also have eerily similar plot lines and settings as well.
21 Lessons for the 21st Century by Yuval Noah Harari–nonfiction–published 2018–372 pages–four stars: Equal parts fascinating and frightening. It’s too bad this book was published before the pandemic; I’d love to see an updated version with a new foreword that addressed Harari’s thoughts about COVID’s global impact.
Open Book by Jessica Simpson and Kevin Carr O’Leary–memoir–published 2020–416 pages–four stars: This was the perfect book to listen to as I worked on a 1,000 piece Harry Potter puzzle that Little Thing got for Christmas and abandoned quickly after sorting out the border pieces. Who knew John Mayer was such a gaslighter? I sobbed with Jessica as she relayed the story of her cousin’s death. Jessica mesmerized me with her dishy tales about celebrities, her strength, her honesty. Listening to the audiobook made this book work for me. I don’t know if I’d feel the same way about the book if I hadn’t heard her narrate it.
Tokyo Ever After (Tokyo Ever After #1) by Emiko Jean–YA romance–published 2021–336 pages–three stars: Izumi lives in Mount Shasta, California, with her mom and wonders about the father she’s never met. Turns out Izumi’s dad is the crown prince of Japan, and he doesn’t know that she exists until she reaches out to one of his old friends once her mom fesses up to Izumi’s royal lineage. A very predictable trip to Tokyo to meet her father ensues, replete with evil twin cousins, and a SNACK of a bodyguard who just so happens to be her age. If you’re thinking an enemies-to-lovers trope is ahead, you’re right. Don’t get me wrong, the writing is fresh and cute, but this The Princess Diaries and The Bodyguard mashup plotline just didn’t do it for me.
Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes–nonfiction–published 2016–352 pages–four stars: Rhimes shines in this book. I felt empowered at the end and overwhelmed by her talent. The only thing I dislike about this is she includes at least three separate speeches that she gave in the past, and in the audiobook, it includes the original audio of those speeches, and to me, it kind of felt like filler in an otherwise awesome book. The speeches are funny, insightful, and well-written, but just out of place.
Weather Girl by Rachel Lynn Solomon–romance–published 2022–352 pages–four stars: And this was the point in the month where I lost track of writing reviews as I finished each book. So what do I remember? Weather girl falls for the sports guy. Sports guy has a theater-kid daughter and he’s super overprotective. He’s also not your standard, chiseled romantic lead but has a dad-bod. This read was cute enough, and I liked it more than Solomon’s The Ex Talk.
You’ve Reached Sam by Dustin Thao–YA romance–published 2021–304 pages–three stars: After Julie’s boyfriend Sam dies, she can still call him and talk to him. Y’all. This book was so repetitive with the whole “why did this have to happen?” conversation back and forth. I found this really boring.
Bibliolepsy by Gina Apostol–literary fiction–published 2022–2016 pages–three stars: I had no idea what was happening in this novel and had to look up what every other word meant.
Down Among the Sticks and Bones (Wayward Children #2) by Seanan McGuire–YA fantasy–published 2017–187 pages–four stars: Yes. 1,000 times yes. In book two, McGuire gives the story of twins Jack and Jill before they make it to the Home for Wayward Children. Absolutely stunning and I liked this more than book one.
Scrappy Little Nobody by Anna Kendrick–memoir–published 2016–275 pages–four stars: I’ve had my eyes on this autobiography for years, but my library didn’t have a copy. And finally, I was able to find it as an audiobook through the Libby app. I had no idea Kendrick was a child Broadway star. Kendrick’s pretty darn funny too, which I wasn’t expecting. Also, I kind of love that she and Bill Hader are now dating. That seems like a pretty good match.
Brown Girls by Daphne Palasi Andreades–contemporary fiction–published 2022–224 pages–three stars: Took place over too long of a time frame for such a short book. I thought the collective point of view was a bit confusing as well.
Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur–poetry–published 2014–204 pages–four stars: Beautiful and raw. I’m not sure why I put this one off for so long.
And here are allllllllllllllllllllll the books I DNF’d in January:
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Twenty Popular Books That I Dislike
Posted at 9:42 am , on January 16, 2022
As I age and sink more into bibliophile status, I find myself quitting so many books. I have zero book-lover guilt anymore about not finishing a book that I’m a chapter into or even halfway through. Since I mostly read for pleasure, why would I continue reading a book that fails to worm its way into my bookish heart?
But . . . not every book I finish is fantastic, a completely biased opinion on my part, and so even though nobody asked for this, I’m going to share which popular books I don’t really like. Countdown style. Because a listicle with zero rationale is always a good idea.
20. The Night Circus
19. Under the Whispering Door
18. Malibu Rising
17. A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder (A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder #1)
16. Spinning Silver
15. To Kill a Mockingbird
14. Girl Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be
13. The Lost Apothecary
12. The Last Thing He Told Me
11. The Golden Compass (His Dark Materials #1)
10. The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson and the Olympians #1)
9. The Four Winds
8. After (After #1)
7. Survive the Night
6. You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life
5. Next Year in Havana
4. The Final Girl Support Group
3. The Love Hypothesis
2. American Dirt
1.The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts -
Top Twenty Books 2021
Posted at 9:41 am , on January 1, 2022
It’s the perfect day to get back to blogging (errrrrrrr, sorry for the super-extended, unannounced blog hiatus) because BOOKS!
I read 154 books in 2021.
For the first time ever, I am ranking these reads because I’m feeling extra today. Without further ado, here are my top twenty books of 2021.
#20. Faye, Faraway by Helen Fisher–time travel–published 2021–four stars.
#19. You’ll Never Believe What Happened to Lacey: Crazy Stories About Racism by Amber Ruffin and Lacey Lamar–nonfiction/humor–published 2021–four stars.
#18. Aftershocks by Nadia Owusu–memoir–published 2021–four stars.
#17. The Guncle by Steven Rowley–LGBT fiction–published 2021–four stars.
#16. Seven Days in June by Tia Williams–romance–published 2021–four stars.
#15. Craft in the Real World: Rethinking Fiction Writing and Workshopping by Matthew Salesses–nonfiction/writing–published 2021–five stars.
#14. Words of Radiance (The Stormlight Archive #2) by Brandon Sanderson–high fantasy–published 2014-five stars.
#13. Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know by Adam Grant–nonfiction/psychology–published 2021–five stars.
#12. A Very Punchable Face by Colin Jost–memoir/humor–published 2020–five stars.
#11. Yearbook by Seth Rogen–memoir/humor–published 2021–five stars.
#10. I Am Not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter by Erika L. Sánchez–YA fiction–published 2017–five stars.
#9. Broken (In the Best Possible Way) by Jenny Lawson–nonfiction/humor–published 2021–five stars.
#8. The Inheritance of Orquídea Divina by Zoraida Córdova–fantasy–published 2021–five stars.
#7. The One Hundred Years of Lenni and Margot by Marianne Cronin–contemporary fiction–published 2021–five stars.
#6. A History of Wild Places by Shea Ernshaw–mystery/fantasy–published 2021–five stars.
#5. A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness–YA fantasy/horror–published 2011–five stars.
#4. Mediocre: The Dangerous Legacy of White Male America by Ijeoma Oluo–nonfiction/feminism–published 2020–five stars.
#3. The Push by Ashley Audrain–thriller–published 2021–five stars.
#2. Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir–science fiction–published 2021–five stars.
#1. Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner–memoir–published 2021–five stars.
There you have it! Hopefully there’s something on this list that appeals to you.
Next up on the blog–books I read in 2021 that I low-key hated but everybody else high-key loved.
Happy 2022 y’all!
(All cover art taken from Goodreads.com.)
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A Poem: Pressure
Posted at 10:28 am , on October 9, 2021
all of her buttons all of her luck were pressed she's distressed a mess because the world refused to be impressed she was so sure she had it under control she was so sure she could handle the rigmarole but all of her buttons her luck were pressed she had no outlet to decompress her pleasure vanished sunk like the Titanic no boat just icebergs stuck in the freezing water and trying to stay afloat because all of her buttons her luck were pressed into antidepressants and all the world had to say was she's her own biggest aggressor and all the world had to say was that there's a reason why press rhymes with stress and all the world had to say was all she has to do is stop pressing her luck all she has to do is press the button press enter press the lever and just ignore the pressure.
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The Books I Read in August and September and How I Rated Them
Posted at 7:47 am , on October 3, 2021
Sorry for the unannounced blog silence, but y’all the end of August and the entire month of September. Were. The. Dooziest. of Doozies.
For those of you who don’t know me IRL and just follow my blog, here’s a brief synopsis of my life since my last post: Hurricane Ida fucked up South Louisiana, my house suffered minor damage (thank goodness, but still), we were without power for 11 days and had to live at my in-laws for 10 of them, school was canceled for 7 days, I was in a wedding in Wisconsin (the bright spot of a five-week dumpster fire), I tried to go to Brewers/Cubs game by myself in Milwaukee but had to leave immediately after the national anthem because I needed to eat and couldn’t find anything in the stadium that my stomach could handle, I caught the strepiest of strep throat this week and missed two more days of school, I hit a garbage can with my car and destroyed the passenger side in two different places, I got an email from parent that made me cry three days ago (and not in the-you’re-doing-such-a-good-job-thank-you-for-all-you’re-doing-for-my-child kind of happy crying way but more of the I-don’t-like-you-and-you-know-nothing kind of you’re-terrible-at-your-job devastated-make-me-want-to-quit-my-job crying way)–so. Yep. That’s why I’ve been ghosting you.
I’ve also been ghosting books and not because it’s finally spooky season and ghosting is appropriate (not) during the month of October (mental note find spooky season appropriate books to scare the hell out of myself this month), but because–did you see my comma-spliced ramble above? Normally I can use reading as an escape, but I’ve been so mentally drained by everything that I’ve had a hard time cracking open a book.
ANYWHO,
Here’s what I read during August and September sans book reviews because my bandwidth is thinner than a band that’s two members short.
At least I rated them? And remembered that I do have a blog and that I normally post once a week and that I should get back to that?
An Emotion of Great Delight by Tahereh Mafi–published 2021–256 pages–YA/historical fiction.
Sweet & Bitter Magic by Adrienne Tooley–published 2021–368 pages YA/LGBTQ+ fantasy.
China Room by Sunjeev Sahota–published 2021–256 pages–historical fiction.
The Hunting Wives by May Cobb-published 2021–368 pages–thriller.
The Maidens by Alex Michaelides–published 2021–352 pages–thriller.
The Husbands by Chandler Baker–published 2021–352 pages–thriller.
Velvet Was the Night by Silvia Moreno-Garcia–published 2021–289 pages–historical fiction/mystery.
Love People Use Things: Because the Opposite Never Works by Joshua Fields Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus–published 2021–336 pages–nonfiction.
Unsettled Ground by Claire Fuller–published 2021–289 pages–literary fiction.
We Are the Brennans by Tracey Lange–published 2021–288 pages–contemporary fiction.
Daughter of the Pirate King (Daughter of the Pirate King #1) by Tricia Levenseller–published 2017–311 pages–YA fantasy.
Dreamfever (Fever #4) by Karen Marie Moning–published 2009–386 pages–urban fantasy.
Mary Jane by Jessica Anya Blau–published 2021–320 pages–historical fiction.
Daughter of the Siren Queen (Daughter of the Pirate King #2) by Tricia Levenseller–published 2018–341 pages–YA fantasy.
The Storm is Upon Us: How Qanon Became a Movement, Cult, and Conspiracy Theory of Everything by Mike Rothschild–published 2021–(no data for how many pages this book is because Goodreads has failed me–political nonfiction.
And sorry Stephen King, but I DNF’d your newest. I feel like the worst fangirl (I stan hard for 11/22/63, The Stand, and Insomnia) on the planet. I trudged through your last one, which I didn’t like very much, and just couldn’t hang with Billy Summers because even though I kind of liked what I read, I felt like I couldn’t make any progress with it at all.
Which one of these would I most blanket recommend to people? We Are The Brennans for sure. But I loved Unsettled Ground–it’s a bit more on the literary side and vibes Rebecca. And if you’re looking for something FUN, look into Daughter of the Pirate King.
What did you read while I was being overwhelmed by the universe?
And as always, discussion is welcome.
(All cover artwork taken from Goodreads.)
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If Teachers Responded to Student Emails Honestly
Posted at 9:43 am , on August 28, 2021
Down here in south Louisiana, we’ve already finished our third week of school. I love the beginning of the school year (new kids! new ideas to try out! a fresh set of flair pens!), but I wasn’t expecting my email inbox to already be chockablock full of emails from students. (Mental note: teach students the art of a good subject line.)
And I might be “that” teacher, but 95 percent of the time I don’t email my students back. Why, you ask? Because these are the types of emails I get and the way I would respond, indicated in brackets and italics, if I actually had time to respond and could be completely honest in my responses.
- You put my grade in wrong in PowerSchool. [I, in fact, did not put the grade in incorrectly in PowerSchool. You very much made a 72 percent on the test that I JUST entered into the gradebook 60 seconds ago. Stop checking your grades and emailing me while you’re in Algebra.]
- Why did you give me an 80 on the writing assignment? [I didn’t GIVE you anything. I assessed you for mastery of the skills. I JUST entered grades into the gradebook 60 seconds ago. Don’t you think I’m going to explain scoring when I HAND THE ASSIGNMENTS BACK?]
- I submitted my late assignment from a week ago. Can you grade it right now so my mom will give me my phone back? [Oh sure, I’ll stop grading these 106 narrative retellings that are test grade assignments so you don’t have a zero for a participation assignment when you already have an A in participation.]
- This is the third email I’ve sent you telling you to grade my late assignment. [I’m sorry, but as per my syllabus that I read to you on the first day of school and made you sign, it says that I grade all late work after current work is graded. I’m knee deep in grading the Hero’s Journey test from yesterday, the rewrites from two days ago, and the complex character exit tickets that I forgot existed until 30 minutes ago. I’ve reiterated loudly at least three times this week that it can take me up to two weeks to get to any late work and that I won’t respond to emails like these. You’ll know it’s graded when it goes in PowerSchool. If you wanted your grade entered in a timely fashion, then maybe you should have turned it in on time? In fact, since you sent me this email, I’ll more than likely put off entering the grade for another three weeks because you keep spamming my inbox.]
- Can I have an extra day to do the assignment? I wasn’t feeling well yesterday. [No. The other kids ratted you out. You were all over everybody’s SnapChat last night being messy and not sick at all.]
- I’m going to be absent all of next week because we’re going to Disney World. Can you email me all of my assignments? [You and I both know that you will not complete any of this work while you’re on vacation. And I’m pretty sure you’re just emailing me this because your parents asked you to. But you probably weren’t supposed to tell me that you were going on vacation–because even though your parents asked you to email me for the work, they’re also going to try to get a doctor’s note to excuse your absences for your competitive cheer competition. And I can’t email you all of the assignments for next week because I haven’t made any of them yet, LOL. I’m not panicking at all about that. Not even a little bit. But you sending me this email did make me start panicking about it. And you and I both know that those assignments will be posted on Google Classroom on the day that we do them in class with full instructions on how to do the lesson on your own. Have a Dole Whip for me.]
So I don’t respond because
- I like my job. And I’m pretty sure I’d get fired if I responded that way.
- Some of the student emails are pretty accusatory. “You didn’t do this” and “you did this wrong.” But I know that stems from students not understanding the tone behind these statements in email.
- I’ve answered these questions before in class or I’m going to explain those questions the next day.
But I actually do respond. Just not in an email. I stop them in the hall or pull them aside for a quick chat about what they sent me–because talking and interacting with them is important and way easier. I can quickly address how their tone in the email made me feel and that they might want to choose better words. I can explain their question in person. And I can do all of this while not having to revise my emails for tone. And I don’t have to spell check/Grammarly/proofread my conversation with them either.
And the emails that are important I do respond to, professionally.
Promise.
(Now all I want in life is a Dole Whip. Why did I even bring it up? Sigh.)
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A Teacher Tale: How I Botched the First Full Week Back to School
Posted at 10:46 am , on August 14, 2021
To make you feel better about yourself, let me tell you about how I fucked up every single day during my first full week back to school.
- I made 250 copies of our summer reading assignment to distribute to all 8th graders. While counting out the handouts to give to another teacher, I noticed I didn’t put the word “the” in a sentence. So into the trashcan all of those copies went. Giving up, I told my coworkers I wasn’t going to make fresh copies of the newly edited document, and I was just going to post the revised document to Google Classroom. (My reasoning here being that I forgot how much I hate making copies and the copy machine was already being an asshole—maybe because I only used him once last year and he was harboring feelings of neglect at me giving him the cold shoulder. He ran out of paper and jammed five different times when I was using him just to spite me.)
- On the second day of virtual class (I already have three kids quarantined), I forgot to start my Google Meet during fourth block until 12 minutes into class. In my defense, I am used to having virtual class at third block, but considering I didn’t start a Google Meet during third block either, I really have no defense for this. (And y’all, I wasn’t prepared for the different Google Meet layout either, so I’m going to have to spend some time playing around with it, you know when I actually get time for that kind of thing. Who am I kidding? I’m never going to have time to do that.)
- I walked out of my house yesterday morning in CLEAN jeans and a SPOTLESS t-shirt but somehow walked into the school building completely FILTHY. I had a ginormous brown stain on my left pant leg and what looked like deodorant on the bottom right corner of my Parish Champs basketball T. But I didn’t spill any coffee and it’s not like I rode to school with the bottom of my t-shirt tucked up and into my armpit for safekeeping or to air out my stomach because of the 99 percent humidity, so the cause of the stains remains hidden. So, I tried to make the stains go away by drenching a wad of paper towels with water and scrubbing the spots with enough gusto to make my arms hurt, and I ended up looking like I tossed my clothes into a puddle. I walked into the lounge to put my lunch in the fridge, and conversation stopped at the table, and one of my coworkers, I shit you not, pointed at me and said “HA HA! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU PEED YOUR PANTS.” And another coworker cackled about me for a solid three minutes. Another coworker thought I was just “mystery wet” (his words). THEN I HAD TO STAND OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR AND CHECK UNIFORMS LOOKING LIKE I’D HAD AN ACCIDENT AND FORGOT TO PUT ON MY DEPENDS ON THE FOURTH DAY OF SCHOOL.
- Speaking of uniforms, I’ve already messed it up forever with one of my blocks. I’m pretty sure they hate me because I have to be the uniform police and issue citations, and there’s only like 5 of them out of 26 who are following the school’s uniform policy. I’ve already had kids arguing with me about it, and all I’ve done is tell them which part of the policy they’re not following–I HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED GIVING THEM CITATIONS YET JUST WARNINGS. I can’t tell you how much I hate having to enforce dress code (for various reasons including how it unfairly targets girls and is just a relationship ruiner between teachers and students–this doesn’t happen with every student, but it does happen.) (I know this bullet is a stretch for “messing up,” but I needed to vent.)
- Because apparently I can’t read, I created chaos and confusion for two other coworkers and sucked a collective thirty minutes away from their already hectic day yesterday. I apologized to them both profusely.
- I posted a student survey for kids to work on the second day of school and was talking about it for a full five minutes before one kid was like “It’s not on Google Classroom.” And come to find out I had scheduled it to go live at 7:30 p.m. instead of 7:30 a.m. Whoops!
- Pretty sure I was an asshole during a staff meeting too (and this might have happened the week before last), and I didn’t mean to be, I didn’t choose my words well and my tone came off a bit more passionate than I needed to be when discussing why kids shouldn’t be allowed to have AirPods in school. I forgot how to people well over the summer, and I’m going to keep working on that.
- I don’t handle small talk very well and overcompensate by trying to be funny and fail miserably at being funny most of the time and just look like a lunatic. Why say all of that? Because this was me all of prep day on Monday interacting with students and parents who I’ve never met before. (I’m not kidding here. For example—during my sophomore year of college I got pulled from talking to rushees during sorority rush because I barked like a dog, a really poor attempt at being funny, at a girl. To nobody’s surprise, she didn’t think it was funny. So during rush for the next two years, the only thing I had to do was stand, clap, and sing. I’m not even sure how I got into a sorority in the first place.)
How did you mess up your first week, teacher friends? Or was it just me?
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A Teacher’s Unpopular Opinions About Teaching
Posted at 10:20 am , on August 7, 2021
Happy back to school everyone!
I thought I’d start the school year off a bit differently this year by telling you some of my unpopular opinions about teaching.
I’m going to call this my Teacher Karen post because absolutely nobody has asked for my opinion on these topics, and I’m bound to make myself even more unpopular in this process, but here goes nothing.
- Teachers don’t have to spend their own money for their classroom.
- Teacher Amazon Wish Lists are well-intentioned but often cringey. (I said it. Don’t hate me.)
- Candy shouldn’t be given as incentives/rewards. (This goes hand in hand with number one.)
- Teachers don’t have to come to work when they’re sick.
- Teachers need to stop judging other teachers who don’t come to work when they’re sick.
- If teachers have a sub and have to take a sick day, teachers don’t have to teach from home while taking that sick day.
- Teachers don’t have to be available to their students after the school day ends.
- The Remind app is overkill.
- Teachers don’t have to hold their bladders all day.
- Teacher-made assignments don’t have to look fancy.
- Teachers can get their union involved.
- Teachers should be grading everything based on performance bands not based on outdated percentage grading scales.
- Teachers can make mistakes and still be PHENOMENAL teachers.
Why start the school year off with this kind of post? Because maybe you needed to be reminded about just one of them. Because maybe we need to rethink why we’re doing things the way we’ve been doing them.
I’ve done the exact opposite of most of the things on my list, and that doesn’t make me a hypocrite but a human who is questioning how capitalism and teacher tropes and toxic groupthink have infiltrated education.
I also understand why my fellow teachers spend their own money for their classrooms. If it brings you joy to decorate your classroom with self-purchased decor, go for it! If you’re buying pre-sharpened Ticonderogas for kids who don’t have pencils, I totally get it. If you’re bringing food from home to give to students who need it, I totally get it.
I understand why teachers come to school when they’re sick.
I understand why teachers make their assignments and their rooms fancy. But I also understand that makes more work and might be taking time away from more meaningful work. I also understand that often it is us, ourselves, who make our already complicated job even more complicated.
And if you do any of those things on this list, I am not judging you. At all. I’m just out here, thinking differently and exposing my inner Teacher Karen sans judgement.
Okay, I might be judging you for number 5 and seriously be questioning how often you get a UTI if you frequently do number 9, but other than that, you do you teacher friends.
(I’d love to hear which one on the list you’d like to see as a full-blown post. I have lots of feelings about number 2 and number 3. Also teacher friends, I’d love to hear your unpopular opinions about teaching too!)
Bring on the 2021-2022 school year!
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Mrs. Ram's Jams 