I bought an itty-bitty bikini for my foot this week.
Seriously. It’s called a Toe-Kini. It’s rather reminiscent of newborn-sized lopsided nude panties.
Allegedly, this Toe-Kini offers ball of foot discomfort relief; instead, it has relieved me of my last shred of dignity.
Who am I kidding? I purchased a Toe-Kini. Has an iota of dignity ever existed in my body?
Why would I purchase such a ridiculously named item?
Because my foot bleeping hurts, and it’s hurt for three weeks. At this point, I’d strap a gondola to my foot’s bottom if someone promised me it would alleviate the pain.
Confused? Let me explain.
Initially, an emergency room doctor diagnosed me with a sprained foot. Read about that here: A Mrs. Ram’s Jams Tale: Death of a Pair of Skinny Jeans.
But after three orthopedic surgeon trips, my doctor’s dubbed it sesamoiditis.
Merriam-Webster.com defines sesamoiditis as “pain and inflammation of either of the two small sesamoid bones or surrounding tendons of the ball of the foot at the base of the big toe.” It can come on gradually and is normally an athletic injury.
(I blame yoga. Sigh. My do-yoga-everyday resolution is blown, see Mrs. Ram’s Jams New Year’s Resolutions for more info. And dammit, a relaxed-from-reading foot sprain is such a better story.)
Describing it as pain and inflammation belittles the problem’s pain-in-the-assery. My poor right foot’s ball and big toe are still swollen, bruised, and red three weeks after onset. It’s impossible to walk without an orthopedic walking boot, and I’m stuck in it for two more weeks.
I just finished a round of prednisone and start taking prescribed NSAIDs tomorrow. If this doesn’t work, steroid shots in my foot are the next step. (See what I did there? Youchy, terrible humor.)
Do you see now why I resorted to a Toe-Kini low?
Since I bid my crutches adieu, I’ve been walking with my right leg about an inch higher than my left. That lopsided Toe-Kini has nothing on my body’s crookedness. I’m in severe need of left foot lift kit to rectify my off-kilterness.
Next week, I might resort to students pushing me around my classroom on my rolly chair.
But at least my trip to Chicago exceeded my expectations.
Yes, crutches and a walking boot suck while traveling, but this girl packed three times as many shoes because she only had to pack her left ones!
Yes, a foot of snow blanketed the ground, but I barely walked. UBER saved the day. (For the most part. To the UBER driver who dropped me off on the wrong side of the block in Wicker Park, I’m still miffed and shaking my fist ruefully at you.)
I saw Hamilton with one of my favorite humans.
I laid eyes on and hugged dear friends from college who I hadn’t seen in years.
I drank fancy drinks at The Aviary with my best friend from high school.
I hung out with my brother and his family in his awesome new house in the ‘burbs.
And let’s not forget, I DIDN’T INJURE MYSELF FURTHER!
That, my friends, is worth celebrating.
And if anyone has dealt with sesamoiditis before and can offer me any advice, please share.